WOMEN: A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: Wo
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lbs., known to vary from 110 to 550 lbs.
OCCURENCE: Copious quantities throughout the world
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1) Surface usually covered with a painted film
2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason
3) Melts when handled well and treated properly
4) Bitter if incorrectly used
5) Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common crude
6) Yields to pressure applied to correct points
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1) Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones
2) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3) May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason
4) Insoluble in liquids but activity is greatly increased by saturation in alcohol
5) Most powerful money-reducing agent known
COMMON USES
1) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2) Can be great aid to relaxation
TESTS
1) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state
2) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen
HAZARDS
1) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2) Illegal to possess more than one
WOMEN (Lab Report)
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman.
If you don't, you are not a man.
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying.
If you don't, you are good for nothing.
If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing.
If you don't, you are not understanding.
If you make romance, you are an 'experienced man'.
If you don't, you are half a man.
If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring.
If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing.
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy.
If you don't, you are a dull boy.
If you are jealous, she says it's bad.
If you don't, she thinks you do not love her.
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her.
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her.
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait.
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way.
If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel.
If she is visited by another, 'oh it's natural, we are girls'.
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold.
If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage.
If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics.
If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics.
If you stare at other, she accuses you of flirting.
If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring.
If you talk, she wants you to listen.
If you listen, she wants you to talk.
CONCLUSION:
Oh God! You created those creatures called "WOMEN".
So simple, yet so complex.
So weak, yet so powerful.
So confusing, yet so desirable.
"O LORD, tell me what to do. AMEN"
ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: Wo
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lbs., known to vary from 110 to 550 lbs.
OCCURENCE: Copious quantities throughout the world
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1) Surface usually covered with a painted film
2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason
3) Melts when handled well and treated properly
4) Bitter if incorrectly used
5) Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common crude
6) Yields to pressure applied to correct points
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1) Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones
2) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3) May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason
4) Insoluble in liquids but activity is greatly increased by saturation in alcohol
5) Most powerful money-reducing agent known
COMMON USES
1) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2) Can be great aid to relaxation
TESTS
1) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state
2) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen
HAZARDS
1) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2) Illegal to possess more than one
WOMEN (Lab Report)
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman.
If you don't, you are not a man.
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying.
If you don't, you are good for nothing.
If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing.
If you don't, you are not understanding.
If you make romance, you are an 'experienced man'.
If you don't, you are half a man.
If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring.
If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing.
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy.
If you don't, you are a dull boy.
If you are jealous, she says it's bad.
If you don't, she thinks you do not love her.
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her.
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her.
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait.
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way.
If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel.
If she is visited by another, 'oh it's natural, we are girls'.
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold.
If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage.
If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics.
If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics.
If you stare at other, she accuses you of flirting.
If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring.
If you talk, she wants you to listen.
If you listen, she wants you to talk.
CONCLUSION:
Oh God! You created those creatures called "WOMEN".
So simple, yet so complex.
So weak, yet so powerful.
So confusing, yet so desirable.
"O LORD, tell me what to do. AMEN"
